How many hours of leaving the lights on to deter burglars would it take for the cost of extra electricity to outweigh the cost of stolen goods?
"No junk mail" signs are not effective cos the mail isn't junk to the person posting it in fact it's a key part of their business model and potentially their livelihood
London fields has turned into Clapham Common but banking analyst bonuses and estate agent commissions are paid in Goodhood vouchers
Anyone else hold the door open without thinking when you go into the toilet, for someone who clearly hasnt yet washed their hands, and then worry that they assume that you think they wouldnt and therefore you yourself wouldnt wash your hands ?
Me: puts desired items on counter at shop My brain: Don't say it Don't say it Don't say it Me: just these please
Heat travels from hot to cold. Clothes keep up warm by stopping heat escaping from our body. Wouldn't this mean that in outside temperatures above 37oC, the best way to keep cool would be to wear loads of warm clothes?
May your Sundays be fundays and your brunches be bottomless
It's funny how Google Maps gives the options "leave now" or "depart at". If you're organised enough to plan in advance you're an esteemed fellow who uses the word depart. If you're last minute you don't deserve such luxuries.
Costa Del *insert sunny location* is now so widely used that some people don't know what it actually means. Just waiting for someone to go to Spain and say Costa Del Costa Del Sol on their insta story.
I'm Chanel 5 you're channel 5
What are Baby on Board car stickers all about? I was gonna purposely crash into the back of you but will leave it now I know about the baby.
Does it annoy anyone when people say 'myself' incorrectly to sound clever instead of 'me' or 'I' or is it just myself
I've got a week off you've got a wee cough however I'm self isolating for 7 days and you're showing symptoms of corona virus and I'm Scottish
Salt and vinegar 🙂 Sea salt and cider vinegar 😃 Anglesey sea salt and Irish cider vinegar 🤩 Refined Anglesey deep sea salt and 21 day aged Irish pink lady cider vinegar 🤯
Just seen a woman buy 5 kit kats from the trolley on the train. At about £1.20 a go. Said they'll do her for the week. Frivolous. Whimsical.
Why do people think you need an apostrophe before the s for plurals of letters/acronyms e.g. GCSE's. Cos you don't. Idiot's.
From now on I'm referring to Thursday as Friday Friday
You're all talk I'm all torque
Nothing is more exhilarating than holding ctrl and copying multiple cells in excel. Gets more and more risky. High stakes. Could lose it all
John Smedley socks. Merino wool. Charcoal with aubergine stripes. Nectar for the feet. JB
Its hard enough for me not to look gay without having to carry a take away latte around with me
"You have not made any backups for 1401 days". Remind me later clearly.
I hope to open an estate agent called reem gaffneys at some point in the future
"This is the first time in 20 years of barbering that someone has come back and asked me to make adjustments to their hair". Sorry fella.
Disappointed with a level results? Remember 3 things: You tried your best, everyones proud of you and I don't like gherkins on my big mac.
I'm a meerkat you're a mere cat
New Years resolution: remember to cancel gym membership
Recruiters only want one thing and it's disgusting
Imagine owning a Burberry coat and not popping the collar so everyone can see the Burberry print. How tragic would it be not to do that.
Found a lovely Portuguese tart this afternoon We had sex There are some nice girls about too Wait what
I've got a business We sell warm baked goods ineloquently We're selling, like, hot cakes
Nottingham Carnival is over rated and poorly organised. Seen loads of sick videos from it but couldn't find where that was. Cretins.
"I wish it could be summer everyday". Cretinous advert from Boots. It literally could be. Equator in autumn/spring. Australia in winter.
If someone doesn't upload a snap chat story of some weights with the caption "that time again 💪🏻" did they really go to the gym?
Everyone knows that the more you lean forward at the bar the quicker you get served
You know you've been hanging around posh people for too long when you start referring to your evening meal as dinner (when it's tea)
Life is what happens when your wifi stops working and your phone dies
The good news is that my suit is tailored. The bad news it that it's tailored for someone else.
Takes me back. GCSE food tech. Rosemary and lime tart. Awarded a B. Robbed. Deserved A*. Teacher's palate not as advanced as mine. Idiot.
When did bringing an extension lead plugged into a foreign adapter on holiday go from being genius to being the norm?
It stresses me out so much when people say they're going down to somewhere north or up to somewhere south
Every time I use a vending machine I think a second item is gonna drop out and start celebrating but then it stops at the last second and I get so upset that I walk off and forget about the item i paid for. It's bad.
Have a good weekend if I don't see you...but if I do see you...have a bad one
Did you know, Cuba has more doctors than people
Apparently you can message people on Strava now. Watch out for me sliding into you KMs.
The one-upmanship going on between insta dental companies offering increasingly elaborate and cheap teeth straightening is mad. It's like the soviets vs America trying to get to the moon first. The brace race.
I'm convinced that Apple weather systematically says the weather is going to be worse than in is, so people think they're not gonna be able to go outside and so may as well buy apple products to keep themselves entertained
I find it funny when everyone stands to the right on escalators in recreational places. Make sure people in a rush to get to crazy golf can get past!
Just did my hair in a car window then realised there was someone the other side of it
Just remembered the time at my sister's birthday when I was really tired and accidentally introduced myself to a group of girls by saying "hi I'm Jack's sister"
My barber just said my hair didn't need cutting and ushered me away
The self consciousness I feel when creating a WhatsApp group and having to think of a name for it is on a whole different level
Train cancelled due to a short term change to the timetable. Well yes.
The more senior you get at work, the more boring your lunch has to be. Would be career suicide for anyone at director level or above to deviate from a sandwich or salad.
I've started taking videos of shapes and selling them to buy property. I've got a lot of square footage.
For some reason find it really cringe when people say 'as you may know' when they send a leaving email
I'm addicted to exercising. Need my next HIIT.